Things You Can Do Instead of Doing The Things You Should Do.
A Checklist.
Things You Can Do Instead of Doing The Things You Should Do:
Remember how when you were in high school you thought your hands were too large for your body and how you once wondered if there was a hand reduction surgery available. Hint: Not really. Too many bones.
Spend at least 42 minutes thinking about what the world is going to look like when you’re 86 years old. Will there still be peanut butter? What about rabbits? Not looking good.
Stare at the woman in line in front of you in the grocery store and internally shame her for looking at Instagram on her phone instead of being PRESENT even though the only reason Instagram isn’t on your phone right now is because you ran out of storage on said phone so you can’t download it because there isn’t any room. Set a reminder for yourself to ask your husband how to get more room on your iPhone and if the answer is “You need to delete stuff” tell him to go shove it.
Go on Zillow and look up homes you cannot afford. Judge the styling harshly and, if you’re looking for bonus points, go down a Google rabbit hole trying to find a better flush mount ceiling light for the living room because the one they chose is AWFUL.
Wonder what happened to that shorty guy Steve with the big ears who was on the leadership trip you did in DC who told you you were a really good dancer at the dance party on the last night and just ignore the fact that the bar was really low because the trip was full of 16 year old nerds who were into government although there was a rumor people were doing cocaine in the bathroom so…wow.
Make a list of 21 ideas of books/podcasts/movies/pilots you could write. Then don’t write them.
Go to a website for cool glasses and do the virtual try-on for every single pair. This is actually legit fun. You should just go do it right now.
Invent an entire alternate life for yourself in your mind and replace everyone you know with Paul Mescal, Andrew Scott, Liza Minnelli. You don’t need anyone else but those three. Trust.
Reminisce about the time you went out in the East Village for your 26th Birthday and told everyone it was your Bat Mitzvah x 2 even though you’re not Jewish and somehow wound up walking home without any shoes on with your friends whilst wearing a wide legged jumpsuit and the bagel truck was arriving at the bodega to drop off fresh bagels because it was 4am and the guy let you get ONTO the bagel truck and take an ENTIRE BAG of fresh bagels for free and you wound up in your bed surrounded by warm, soft, plump balls of bread and nothing will ever be as wonderful as that moment again. Nothing. Never again. Just give up.
Rinse, repeat.